Since getting out of jail in February of last year I have been trying to get clean. It has been an uphill battle the whole time. I was bailed to a rehab and I went there simply because it was the only place that would accept me. Within a week of getting there I was using again. Everyone there was on bail for either supply or drug related charges and the whole jail mentality was very present so it was impossible for me to get or stay clean while I was there. I ended up getting into a relationship with one of the staff members and was asked to leave. She also was fired. We continued the relationships and she asked me to move in with her and I did. I continued using and got back into crime straight away.
Managing my addiction as well as having a relationship and looking after 3 young boys was just out of control. She suffered from mental illness and the relationship came to an end one night when she got drunk and went around to her mum’s house, kicked in the door and got into a fight with her sister and stabbed her sister’s boyfriend. I left the next morning and went and stayed with a friend for about a week and then rang back to get back into the same rehab. This time I tried to get clean but still really struggled with it. I ended up just training heaps and using steroids as well as using and was asked to leave again.
I was a broken person at this point and reached out to my mum who suggested I ring an old friend, XXX who I got clean with 11 years before who gave me the number for WHOS rehab. I didn’t realise how my behaviour and thinking were out of control until I got here. I made a promise to my mate that I just wouldn’t leave and I’ve stuck to that promise. My tools of manipulation were ingrained so deep that when I got here I actually thought I was doing the right thing. In time I could see what I was doing. The thing was I didn’t know what to do about it. Looking back from where I am now I can see all I was doing was trying to control everything. Since I have learnt that I really need to just surrender which is still really hard.
Sometimes I have support from people outside of here (self help meeting people) and one thing they stressed to me is that the war is over and I need to stop fighting. What I have learnt while being here is that I’m not the person I thought I was or … people believe that I am, that I need to be open to look at changing a lot of what I thought I knew. Last time I was drug free for a period I never knew of any of these principles that I should be living by. I didn’t realise that I really needed to be honest with myself and what I really want out of life and what I have to do to get the fulfillment I want out of life.
I never want to use drugs including alcohol again; I want to form meaningful relationships with people. I want to be happy with whom I am and at some point I want to have a family of my own. To achieve all of these things and to do them right I really need to work hard at what I’m doing here. I’m really grateful for what I have already learnt and am looking forward to what is to come.
I was born to a 17 year old Mother who didn’t have the support of my 24 year old Father as he was off sleeping around and selling drugs. I had a rough start to life and grew up experiencing abuse from both my mother and father. One of my first memories I have is of my bio dad screaming in my face “I’m your f*cking father, I made you I can take you out” at the age of four. From that moment I never felt one bit of love for him as a father and resited the fact that he didn’t want me.
When I hit my teenage years I only had anything to do with him because he sold the best pot in town. My relationship with my mother has been on again off again, but for the last 15 years it has been nonexistent. One of my biggest influences was my eldest brother who died of cancer and when that happened I felt as though I had lost a part of myself. I lost so many close friends and family members in my teenage years and all of that stuff I didn’t deal with. When I was 23 I found my best friend dead by his own hand, after that the drinking and drugging went through the roof. I started working in kings cross and my drinking and drugging landed me in trouble with the law, I didn’t care and kept going down that track. June last year was when I got busted with drugs and then got some brains, started MERIT, then finally said “F*ck it I need rehab”.
At first I struggled finding my place in the community and getting comfortable. I formed a closed bond with 2 other residents which is not suggested as it keeps the others away. They left and I wanted to leave with them and struggled to stay but I did as I had court pending. I have now found I need to be here to work on my ego and I am only one person and need the help of others to move forward. I am still working on my self esteem and self worth, reacting to concerns, taking on other’s stuff, rescuing resentments and supporting people.
I have now started speaking to my sister again and I am now a lot closer to her since coming to rehab. I have put boundaries in place with old using acquaintances. I am struggling with letting my ex girlfriend know I can’t be with her at this time, although I would like to remain friends but know this may not happen.